" God left this place a long time ago " - Leonardo Di Caprio - Blood Diamond
Location: Sao Paolo , Brazil
Time: Sometime in the late afternoon.
"Não ferirá"
I wake up to the sound of the nurse telling me these words as I sit up in a hospital bed in Sao Paolo, Brazil. The nights events are all hazy and mixed with neural ghosts of people dancing and my friends doing shots at the bar. I clearly remember paying for my entry to the club where we started partying at 4PM in the evening but almost everything else is a blur.
A doctor comes and sits down next to me. He's got a stern look on his face and starts talking in Portuguese. I use all that's left of my strength and raise my left hand to stop him from talking. I am guessing his second evaluation of the patient sitting on the bed brings him to the realization that I am not from Brazil. His English speaking skills are about to be tested and he wants to convey his message to me with absolute accuracy.
"Senor, you were bought in last night from a hotel that reported you drowning in their pool"
"Are you sure doctor?"
"Yes, unfortunately I am"
"What was I doing trying to drown myself?"
"No one is entirely sure. But you should thank God that someone found you when they did or we would not be having this conversation right now"
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes I do Senor and you should get some rest now. I will get the nurse to check the IV and make sure that your comfortable. I will get your reports and come back to talk to you"
"Thank you for everything Doctor"
"Your welcome"
My life has been less than comfortable in the past few years. I have finally taken a vacation and come to Brazil or Brasil as some people like to call it, to enjoy some off time from IBM. I intentionally decided not to take any form of communication with me and have spent three weeks going around the country side enjoying the local culture and picking up as much as I can culturally. The women are gorgeous and highly aggressive; the food is great and would give my roommate a hard time considering its spicy; the alcohol is something I never complain about in any country and last but not least the music.
I came across a group of people who claimed to be from Norway while i was crossing through some jungles on a trip. I have since been traveling with them and have found their company to be very good. My views on the world and the social unrest we have as humans is almost in simpatico with theirs. Its almost strange but they seem to be finishing my sentences. I have always wanted to visit the Scandinavian portion of Europe and with my new friends I though I would have that chance till we had a conversation on the night we came to Sao Paolo.
Natalia - "Where are you from Melroy?"
Georg - "Yeah, where are you from Melroy?"
Me - "I don't really know anymore to be honest"
Natalia - " What makes you say that?"
Me - "Well I am culturally impaired when it comes to being an Indian and I am socially impaired if I had to say I belonged in the Middle East"
Georg - "Thats an interesting point of view. Have you never felt like you belonged somewhere?"
Me - " I think that's what we miss as people. Country, society and everything else we feel the need to belong to is something we have constructed as humans to inculcate a sense of belonging. The real truth of the matter is we don't really need to belong to anything to be the people we are. When was the last time you actively worked for your country and donated your money willingly to its benefit. I know your going to bring up taxes and what your government feels is your obligation to living in its country "
Natalia - "I am not really a Nordic. I am from Russia. So I don't truly believe I am a Norwegian"
Georg - "Yes, she's not a real Norwegian but after living in Norway for so many years, you might as well call her Norwegian"
Me - "Excellent point Georg. So now I have a question. If I may"
Georg - "Certainly"
Me - "If I haven't lived in India all my life and spent most of it in Middle East does that make me belong more to the Middle East or to India?"
Natalia - "I always consider myself Russian although I have lived in Norway for most of my life"
Me - "When was the last time you spoke Russian with someone for a good part of your life?"
Natalia - "I can't really recall that I have ever done so"
Me - "Have you ever pro-actively spent time wondering about the problems your country has and how you are going to solve them?"
Georg - "And then you have to ask yourself this question, do you really need to pay attention to all your country's problems to be a part of it?"
Me - "Where is the sense of belonging if you never spend time with the entity you are trying to desperately to belong to?"
Natalia - "So your saying I am not really Russian? Am I more Norwegian?"
Me - "That's debatable. Do you feel your less of a Russian for spending more time in Norway? Or do you feel more Norwegian for not spending more time in Russia?"
Natalia - "Aren't they one in the same?"
Georg - "I think Mel's point is that we don't really belong anywhere, physically"
Mel - "Good observation Georg. We are all just trying to fit in and I guess we feel more comfortable attaching ourselves to entities made by people who think that being patriotic somehow brings more meaning to their existence and their uniqueness is solely based on where they are from and what they speak. Their culture has diluted their very existence and its more convenient for them to say they belong somewhere rather than accept the sad truth that they just want to belong somewhere and their lives mean nothing more."
Natalia - "What about family? Don't you think you feel a sense of belonging there?"
Me - "I was born in 1981. I love my family but to say that I belong to my family is not how it should be accurately described."
Georg - "How would you describe it then?"
Me - "As silly as it may sound, I call it love."
Natalia - "Haha. Do you want another drink?"
Me - "Yes, please. Georg can we interest you in another"
Georg - "Certainly"
Natalia - "So what made you think about all this?"
Me - "The fact that I've come to Brazil to call it quits on a great run at my life"
Natalia - "Your going to end your life in Brazil? Any particular reason why?"
Me - "I guess it was just potluck that I ended up here"
Georg - "Will you let us know before you do so?"
Me - "I think you'll just know"
Natalia - "Is it tonight?"
Me - "That would be telling my friend. It's been a pleasure traveling with you'll. I am going to miss you guys when I am gone"
Georg - "Then lets not waste anymore time with this useless banter. Lets drink and party to the sense of belonging and the end of your life"
Me - "Yes, lets"
It was a few hours later that I found myself sitting at the edge of the pool in the early hours of the morning looking into the water. They say that drowning is one of the most painful ways to die but I feel that its probably the most fitting for people that have lost their passion for living. The sense of helplessness and the inability to do anything while you feel the water suffocate you is a clear reminder that you might still want to give life another chance. I pop the pill of cyanide and jump in.
The doctor has come back.
"Senor, we have to call the police and keep you here under observation for a few days. You tried to ingest cyanide and drown yourself. Is there someone you would like us to call?"
"Yes, God"
"Senor, I do not think this is a joking matter. I am going to call the police and I hope you will co-operate with us in this matter"
"I certainly will"
As I lay in my bed, I notice the nurse who has been standing around through the entire conversation and my recuperation during the night. She has dark hair and an almost perfect body. I wonder why she is in the health profession and want to ask her why but my only goal right now is to find a way to die. I turn towards her and start talking.
"Excuse me"
"Yes, Senor"
"I was wondering, how much money do you make being a nurse?"
"Not much, Senor"
"Would you like to be rich?"
"I do not actually know"
"Well if you want to just let me know, I can give you my life savings but I require a favor on your part"
"And what would that be?"
"I would like you to kill me by putting something in my IV"
She stops and looks at me with a stare that can only be one of contemplation and shock mixed generously.
"Can I ask why you want to die?"
"Certainly"
"What is the reason?"
"I came to Brazil to enjoy myself and finally take a vacation. I have seen a country that has shown me so much I will never truly be grateful. I do not want to be Brazilian nor do I feel a sense of belonging here. But I figure this is just as good a place to die as any"
"Why is that?"
"No one knows my name or my past life and I finally feel a sense of belonging"
Music listened to while writing this post - Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong
Mood - Elated
